I have been ill for a while, with my stomach problem. It exhausts my energy. It is too bad as this is exactly when I need it while I am trying to build a new life. There are many things I want to start now...
Do you have experiences of remembering a tiny small event all of a sudden, like seeing a girl carrying a big drawing board at an airport 25 years ago? This means you have been keeping that memory somewhere in your brain but never accessed it for the last 25 years, yet, you can still recall it. It is one of the fascinating things about the brain.
The girl at the airport is a true story. I saw a girl, holding a drawing board, cueing at a gate. She asked me if this was the right gate. And I said yes.
The reason I still remember her is that how she looked impressed me. She was cool, no smile, no flattering. Yet, she had the eyes of a strong will, someone who knew what she wanted in her life with a genuine passion.
I meant to be like her, I felt. I have to remember the passion I have when I decided to do science when I was a teen. I have to remember the time I was so passionate and fascinated by science, philosophy, literature, and art. And I should always keep in mind why I decided to do science.
Because of the illness, I have been watching YouTube of an old TV series I watched when I was a teen. I watched them so passionately. I admired the passion of the actor and producer who tried to produce a movie-like drama in a TV format. It was a beautiful work, and I did not want to miss any details of it. I remember I sat right in front of the TV intensely, every week. I learned everything from it, the beauty of cinematic expressions. Today, I watched one of the episodes in which one of my favorite actresses who I admired. I admired her for being smart, sharp, and artistic. Just like the girl at the airport seemed to be. Coincidentally, the actress was playing the role of a girl, a young artist traveling around alone, and drawing what she sees. And the drama was wonderful.
It reminds me about Werner Herzog and Klaus Kinski. Their passion, and craziness of making their films. Their egos and passions are so big and yet their goal is too high to achieve. It creates the madness.
The TV series was also crazy. They tried to make the weekly drama cinematic and artistic. It was impossible. Yet, it created something beautiful.
It gives me urgency. The urgency of doing what I am passionate about.
I have to get well. This change has to be meaningful.
I have to start and establish my new life...
